I can carry you, Jasmine

First draft July 17, 2007
Edited July 19,
Edited Feb 16, 2008
Edited June 23;




I can carry you, Jasmine
http://knightadventure.blogspot.com/2007/07/i-can-carry-you-jasmine.html
By Christhoper Kelawing Knight


“I am stupid," I told my colleague that day after I saw disappointment etched on her face. A familiar display from her each time I failed to catch up with technical knowledge she passed on to me. She was evidently hopeful I could absorb the know-how as quickly as the rest of executives in the department. But I was slow learner.

It was in June 2006 when I joined the public listed company in Kuala Lumpur following two successful interviews, the last one being conducted by the Managing Director himself. Five days later, as I reported to work as their new Business Development Executive, I found in the Letter of Employment a surprising promotion. Outlined in bold, my designation was Project Account Manager. Printed along with it was a handsome salary plus some other allowances.

Thinking some clerical errors had been made, I quickly brought up the matter with the Assistant General Manager, my immediate superior. Gerald instead patted me on a shoulder as to congratulate me with a sincere smile.

The company deals with Information Technology. Our products are IT services and futuristic facility, including bio-metric devices and solutions. We want big organizations to buy our expensive solution. Business Development Executive sees to the ground work; Project Account Manager sells the idea; General Manager seals the deal.

Money wise, that appointment was a God-sent. Can I do it? Deep in my guts I suspected I had stomached something too erratic I couldn’t hold all the pieces together for too long. And that was the fear I carried with me everyday to work. As it turned out in as quickly as the fourth week I ran out of excuses as to why I couldn’t deliver. Then began the occasional nervous breakdown, desperate escapes, and, at worse, the shame of vulnerability. It was like having to teach English in a classroom while you know your English is poor. I was bogged down with low self-esteem. Two months later I lost 14 kilos.

I need a lot of help if I were to survive another month.

The everyday words: Outsourcing or outright sales, front end or back end, and still fighting or secured. Required skills: Persuasive, combative, and sharp. Marketing kit: Knowledge on how I can help the corporate lords keep their jobs or make their competitors lose theirs.

The setback: Poor knowledge of this level of IT. Tongue in cheek, I was caught unprepared several times during important meetings. It was a real mean corporate world I found myself in. A man has to grow big enough to see how small he is.

The life line: Jasmine.

Managers at my level had Business Development Executives assigned to assist in our projects. I was handling seven projects. My regular sidekick was Jasmine, a fresh graduate from school of business. She did paperwork and some researches to arm me with as much information as we can find before I would meet up with clients where slide presentation of the preposition was made. The day grew shorter as we raced against deadlines.

The boardroom was like a battlefront. More often than not Jasmine had jumped to my rescue when I lost my voice and confidence before the inquisitive audience who sometime asked question for the sake of making an impression for themselves.

Back to our base we planned for better strategies. Often I heard she sighed in frustration when I continued stalling. She was trying very hard to groom me for the big task ahead. She never told me but I could somehow feel she wanted to be proud of her manager. Matter of fact she overjoyed when I finally did things right. But the occasion was too few to mention.

I must have been a burden to our team. I should be a stallion she could ride on so we could reach our destination faster. Instead, she had to carry a donkey all the way up.

Four months after my appointment as manager in the company I tendered my resignation. I decided I was not cut for the IT job. With the resignation notice officially acknowledged so went heavy wings off my back – a pair of wings that could have taken me to high places but wings that cannot flap.

The Managing Director, the man I've been trying to avoid at every opportunity, stopped by to bid me farewell that afternoon. I wish I had the guts to tell him you haven’t seen the best of me yet. By that thought all my self-confidence returned.

Goodbye, Natalie, Raymond, Eddie, Teddy, Gerald, Izam and If. Time will tell if we would cross path again.

And there came my heroine. I saw a different light sketched on Jasmine’s round face that day. I’d seen her worried face too many times already to know this was not one of those. Her impression was rather mixed – sad and happy at the same time.

Sad probably knowing this whole thing had come to a premature end. Our projects, none secured but still in contention, hopefully not a total waste. It must have pained her now that I quit on her while she thought she still could carry me to the finish line where she would lift up my hand to announce her champion to everyone. I know Jasmine, with her unselfishness, wanted the best for me.

Happy probably knowing I wanted to prove myself elsewhere. Somewhere else where she believed I can shine. She’s been like wind beneath my wings. Now I’ve given up that wings I braved the days ahead on foot. Afoot, I only need to be on a familiar terrain before this donkey would race again. She knew that.

And I know one thing for certain, Jasmine. Believe me I know this. In a different environment, in an arena where I am naturally competent and armed to the teeth I can carry the entire team all the way up. I can carry you, Jasmine.


Ends…