Romancing the blog

File doc KNIGHTsongsang swine
First draft November 4, 2007;
Edited January 14, 2008
Edited January 24;
Remake November 21;

Reposted & Remake
(November 21, 2008)

Rated 18SX, 18SG
Short story: Romancing the blog
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance
Author: Christhoper K. Knight
Inspired by a true story

Romancing the blog
http://knightadventure.blogspot.com/2008/11/romancing-blog.html
By Christhoper K. Knight

November 13, 2007, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
A message from someone named “Ssangyong”:

" Here U r, writing tough about yr Virtual adventures, all d girls, d sex but u neglect to mention of yr father who is a pastor, a man who tought others to believe and stand firm against the temptations of the "Devil"..the very man who preached to live a live which his own very son is living in a life of DENIAL, a life of Sin. U left behind a neglected Child, unLove, UnFed, while u r living n yr fantacy world dat u created, Dont u think yr kid desearve a better life then what u have? He is innocent, why he should b d victim? if u r pissed off with yr Family, it dosent have to be him who will suffer d hatred of yr revenge. I hope u remember that where ever U go and whatever U do, blood is thicker then water! U cant leave behind a "Life"..U r already a statistic, Dont let yr innocent child to grow up like U..he desearve better..FOCUS on yr REAL Life..we dont need another Blog to tell is about Loser's Dream that will never come true. I hope yr father's soul b blessed from yr stupidity."

*********************

If ever there is a moment when anyone with holding in the Internet realm would quit a blog, I think my nightmare has begun since Halloween 2007. I was killed. I was stripped naked. I was crucified for all to behold. I quit the Internet… almost.

For two weeks now, this ‘Ssangyong’ has been throwing tantrums at the helpless me in blogspot.com, hurling a barrage of insults in comments in nearly all posts published, scrolling and spamming even in the chat box, slandering me at every opportunity in this cut-throat world. All I ever did wrong was kissing someone else’s girlfriend. That kissing was not even real!

But my pain is real. For many nights now, the voice is hammering at the inside of my skull, shaking me violently each time I try to catch a sleep. Disgraced, not even my ambition can sustain me now. Morning greets me with mortification, the same one yesterday, but I never can get numb of it. For as long as I am sane, how can I get immune from it? For this is the same pain I have been running away from. It is now back haunting me, refusing even to yield when I plea for a little space to breath. Even in a blog.

To this Ssangyong anonymous, I can only articulate my side of the story in a poem, and therein stays my conviction:

I worked in the field to get crops; I was given crops
I walked on the beach to find peace; I was given peace
I married a girl to find love; I was given the girl.
- Christhoper K. Knight

Spare my poor child from this survival game. You have no rights to speak of my son because if my son is anything like me, he will not give one hoot about a loser like you.

That’s my story, Ssangyong, what’s yours?

You may thought you were the champion of good, perfect life but as plainly as it comes, the essence of your story is jealousy. You are a jealous man who would go to the extreme extent to even out the odds in a competition with, if you like me boasting, a natural playboy. As plainly as it comes, you're a bad politician embarking on ‘character assassination’; as painful as it goes, you're a gangster terrorising my life. That is the best of your motive here. You care shit about my life, you care naught about my son or my parents, you have no interest whatsoever with my welfare. YOU are selfish!

I guess that is the story of your life, Ssangyong. You cannot get the loving from anyone without feigning righteousness, without means of cheating, without means of foul. You are ugly. Your only chance of success in a relationship is to paint ugly picture about other guy who come close to your girl. But is that honourable and ethical? Yet the worst of your tragedy is you don't know what honour is. Truly you're ugly inside out. If your girlfriend is drawn to me, it is a clear indication you are not good enough for her. Why you are not good enough for her? That is your problem and you cannot rectify your problem by looking into my problem.

That is your sad story. I have my own sad story. In the meantime, this is our blog story.




A lady and a knight

Here I am tonight, sitting alone in a stool in a bar in PJ State, hoping the pain would go away as quickly as I drank down my last water. As I stagger to get back on my feet, a memory of another woman crashes in.

She is the reason for all this troubles.

Ssangyong must have liked her so much that he would drive even to hell for her. He stormed into my blogspot.com like a Korean car charging wildly at anything resembling a knight-and-a-lady. In my silliest imagination, I thought he must have caught us by surprise, with our pants down, such inconvenience that I could not cover the lady’s retreat to her blogdrive.com afterward. Our affair has been exposed she shut down her blog site. That’s the last time I heard from her.

After she is gone, I have to deal with a mad man in my blog. The rest is history.


_____________________________________________________
She probably checks on this site every once a while to see the latest development in ‘our’ blog and the progress I made with my English pursuit. Lady, if you’re reading this, leave that man come to me. I will not marry you; neither you want to marry him any way.
_____________________________________________________

“What brought that blogdrive-lady to a blogspot-knight in the first place? Until you’re so inebriated by her grace that you don’t mind losing your head,” asked Bond smilingly. Sniggering beside him is Devil.

As they have promised in an SMS earlier, the two friends finally show up in the bar. “James anak Bond” and “Devil”, as they are known in the Internet world, have been watching the blog drama for two weeks now. They want it to end. Devil proposed this meeting tonight, to brainstorm a counter attack against the ‘Korean car’.

He also suggests comments option be disabled. Bond, also blog administrator, instead disagrees with that idea. He says the blocking or moderating of comments would indicate an act of cowardice on our part. If a blog war is necessary, just bring it on, says Bond. Bring it on, says Devil. Bring it on, say I.

She said she knew me. She said we used to work in the same office five years ago. She said she loved watching that beads necklace around my neck and asked if I still have it. She said she knew of some girls in the office who flirt with me. She named each one correctly.

BOND: That’s not my question, my dear friend. Obviously too much drinking and too much sulking tonight have ‘disoriented’ you (*chuckle). Light up. I wanted… we wanted to know, if you have met her in person. The way I figure it, you have charmed her so well that everyone in www streets can see that little dance in her steps as soon as you come into sight. She’s quite chatter with you in there, the way I see it.

The way you see it is exaggerated.

DEVIL: The way I see it, it’s always romantic sundown for these two bloggers. I can bet something has taken place behind the scene.

Nothing has taken place behind the scene. You lose your bet already.

BOND: Or a build-up towards that behind-the-scene. Given more time, maybe we can hear wedding bells in a virtual church somewhere soon. Is the bride pretty, Mr Knight?

No, she is not pretty. Otherwise, I would have noticed here in the office and would have sent flowers to her desk. But she makes herself sound like a pretty lady in her pretty style of writing English prettily in all the pretty long pretty-ful letters she emailed me now (*Grinning).

DEVIL: Owh! Cut the crap, Knight. Go read that pretty poetry to some pretty kids in some pretty playground somewhere. If she’s not pretty why all this ugly fighting?

BOND: Exactly! As if she is a coveted trophy, tall delicate figure, turning heads, all things come to a standstill as she walks by.

Who is reciting poetry now?

DEVIL: Okay, give credit to this not-pretty lie. How NOT pretty is she, Knight?

BOND: Yes, Knight, how NOT pretty is she? Before we can rescue her from a dragon lair, can you identify her for us so we do not confuse her with an ogre?

No, I cannot ID her.

So you have not met her in person?

No, Devil, we have not.

But you said you sent her tonnes of red roses in the office.

Nice try, Devil. No, I did not send her roses. Even if I did send her roses, it is not red roses. Try white. I know what I said. I still do not know which one then is she now.

DEVIL: My god, you fucked all your colleagues?!

BOND: Devil, you’re getting on his nerves, mine too. How many girls were there in the office back then, Mr Knight?

About 15 of them.

Narrow it down, how many were pretty looking?

Nearly all of them.

How many speak English?

The entire class.

How many can write very good English, flawless?

One. The Chief Editor. A married man, not gay.

But you can also find a sexy Miss Shakespeare hidden somewhere in the sub-editor cubicles, I’m sure. Perhaps you should look into their line-up. Any familiar face coming to mind now?

Two. One is engaged the other is single. But I seldom talk to either one. We talked only when my work sucks.

DEVIL: Your work still sucks but she has all the time now to talk with you… from behind a computer screen. My pick is the second girl. How long you two been chatting?

Months. Did you say ‘cheating’?

BOND: I beg to differ, Mr Devil. The first girl, the girl who was engaged to someone then should have been married by now, by logical projection. By coincidence, she has fond memory of this knight. By habits of creature, she tracked him down to the blog!

DEVIL: Owh! So when later her husband found out about the extra-marital affair, he went on rampage!

BOND: Right! And next thing we knew, a Ssangyong car gate-crashing in the blog. He’s angry, he wants to restore his honour, he wants to settle a score with this adulterous knight! Devils and gentlemen, we have got a situation here – a Ssongsang Swine on the loose!

DEVIL: ‘Ssongsang Swine’? Boy, that was classic!

But I’m not sure your hypothesis can hold very long, Bond. You see, the other girl, the single one, could have found herself a husband, too. It has been five long years since I left the Kuching office. That lady-editor cannot go single forever.

BOND: Right, that’s what you can tell us, Mr Knight. After so many emails exchanging hands between a blogdrive-lady and a blogspot-knight – God knows what else is being exchanged between the blogs –, you don’t even know if she’s married already?

I never asked her that question, not to that specific.

DEVIL: Why not? Why didn’t you ask her?

(*Annoyed) Maybe because I am not YOU, Devil. I do not ask a girl if she is married but sleep with her anyway.

You want to sleep with her before or after you know she’s married?

Devil, do you have to think of sex with anyone you met on the Internet?

Only if she’s pretty and not married.

What if she IS pretty but married?

I can take that as well.

So why bother asking if neither answer can stop you?

DEVIL: You know, to prepare me in my approach (*Giggling).

BOND: (*Laughing) Enough with that, guys. The main thing we wanted to find out here is exactly who is this blogdrive-lady?

DEVIL: Wait, Bond, I haven’t finished with him. Knight, didn’t you ask if she has that silly pet called ‘boyfriend’? Long hours of chatting, emailing … no boyfriend?

Is it a big deal to you if she has a boyfriend?

It is a big deal to you.

Why is that?

You know, to prepare you in your approach.

If that approach includes kissing and making babies, stuff like that. But I wasn’t into that kind of activities with her.

If I ask my mother if she has a boyfriend or not, that mean I want to fuck her?

Jesus!

So, did you ask if she has a boyfriend?

No, I didn’t. For two reasons, Devil. Firstly, I don’t think it is necessary because we’re only meeting on the Internet. I did ask if she has other guy she chats up on the Internet in the same manner she’s doing with me, and on a regular basis, too. She said she has only me. How true that is, I do not know. She asked me the same thing. I told her I have only her, which is true. If written words could make a girl pregnant, Devil, you can expect to be an uncle soon. But we talk, talk only, no sweat no fluid, got it?!

BOND: And the second reason?

Secondly, our friendship was still in the early stage. I do not want to mislead her into thinking as if I am pursuing her romantically. I could scare her away with such question. After all, I wanted to keep our friendship at neutral level, no hanky panky stuff.

DEVIL: Neutral? Couldn’t believe I hear that from you, Knight.

BOND: Neither could I.

Hey, I was not dealing with some school dropouts here, okay. She is a career woman. She is smart and sharp. I have to be careful with my words. A slip of tongue can send her fleeing. Asking if she has a boyfriend is very childish; at least that is how I understand it. She decides what information to volunteer. I don’t rush girls. You know my style.

DEVIL: Yeah I know your style. Your style doesn’t recognize ‘neutral friendship’. That neutral bullshit is waiting for the room to go dark before it becomes something else.

But the room hasn’t go dark, has it? If you know me that well, Devil Two Horns, I do not rule out all options in a friendship okay, especially if the girl is pretty. BUT, if we are to take it to the next level, I expect her to initiate the move; I do the rest from there. If she is ready, I am ready. Until then we are neutral.

DEVIL: So maybe you can fuck her when she’s ready. That MAYBE is not ruled out completely.

That is your interpretation of it.

I can also interpret the real reason why you didn’t ask her about boyfriend.

Yeah? Let us hear it.

You don’t ask about her boyfriend because you know that damning question will force the answer from her. But you don’t want to know that answer. The only way you cannot get the answer is by not asking her. You think you know the answer but you don’t want her to say it. You want her to keep the answer to herself, BECAUSE, for as long as you think she is free you think you still have the chance with her. You are skilled at that, Knight, I know you.

Devil! I told you earlier, she decides what information to volunteer.

But that’s a must-asked question you should not expect to come on its own. Why don’t you ask?

Why doesn’t she tell me, if she thinks that information is necessary?

She’s a girl you’re man, you should ask.

Do we need to know what is NOT necessary?

See! That’s what I mean. By not doing anything, you actually avoided the truth.

Jesus! At that point of time, Devil, I can only suspect she has a boyfriend, okay – any girl for that matter must have a boyfriend. But at the same time, I also suspected their relationship didn’t go well. Of course I don’t want to hear the truth because at that point of time the truth is not necessary. At that point of time, I have no rights to know what is going on in her private life!

BOND: But you can be sure she is not married – even at that point of time?

Her last email said Ssangyong is her boyfriend.

BOND: All right, that should clear the matter, Your Excellency Devil. This knight is maybe not completely innocent but he is not guilty for the First Degree. Now would you kindly quit your cross-examination and let me preside?

DEVIL: First Degree of what?

BOND: First Degree of Attempted Adultery.

(Laughter)

DEVIL: Can you trust that lady, Knight? She said he’s her boyfriend. How sure are you he’s not her husband?

BOND: Hmmmm… now we go back to square one. But thank you, Devil, that is another area to explore – the lady’s credibility, or honesty. Deceit, pretence, and conspiracy can come into play here, why don’t you suspect that, Knight. Picture this: Say they want to spare the family’s good sake. The husband can disguise himself as a boyfriend AFTER he got the wife to play along. That way it doesn’t look so bad for the lady for having flirted with another man behind his back. ‘Damage control’, you know.

I read articles she wrote in her blog, Bond. I cannot find any mention of a husband anywhere in there. But she did mention she is yet married in one entry.

BOND: So that concludes the matter finally. Our blogspot-divorced knight here is not having a go at blogdrive-housewife. Back to our quest for the former sub-editor who was secretly admiring Knight’s beads-necklace five years ago… apparently she remained single all the way from then until now. That we can say by process of elimination, assuming the one who was engaged then is by now married.

DEVIL: What if that engaged one got married but was divorced later?

BOND: Any mention about divorce in her blog, Knight?

Nope!

BOND: Satisfied now, Devil?

DEVIL: Okay, that one very clear already… for now. But still it is wrong for Knight to try to sleep with someone else’s girlfriend.

Sleeping with?

BOND: But Knight didn’t know she has a boyfriend, did he? If you could offer an explanation to her grieving boyfriend, Mr Knight, do you not want to say, “Sorry, I didn’t know”?

Absolutely! That exactly the case, I didn’t know. I didn’t know she has a boyfriend so daft and nutty and barmy and wacky …

(Laughter)

Perhaps love…

BOND: I can understand your attitude with girls, Knight, but this thing I have misunderstood you. You respect that friendship too well you didn’t bother to ask for her phone number? You actually expected her to VOLUNTEER that, too?

Maybe.

What man are you?

Not man enough to steal your girlfriend.

(*Grinning) Why, is she not good enough for you?

I can break your heart.

DEVIL: I can’t believe you didn’t ask for her number. Chatting and chatting, but no phone?

Define CHATTING, Bond.

BOND: What’s yours?

Mine does not include MSN or Yahoo messenger or Skype. Strictly emails and blogs. More like letter writing. Still that is chatting?

BOND: You’re chatting, all right.

DEVIL: And CHEATING. Knowing you, Knight, that’s no surprise. Why, why, why, why no phone number, silly squire?

Well, we did talk about exchanging phone numbers on a few occasions. But as you can already know nothing has come out of it.

DEVIL: Why? Is it too much to ask for a phone number in case you lost your way somewhere?

Or feeling lost? But then again we thought it was not a wise idea. The other time, she thought it would kill off the fun once nothing left to be discovered. She said I knew her in person, only not sure which one. Another time, I told her the phone could wait. No hurry.

BOND: In case you forgot, Mr Devil, these two people are journalists. The very same species that has the habit of speaking with double meaning, or no meaning sometime. And they expect the other person to read between lines of no meaning. Either that or they just love to be as subtle as possible when making known their intention.

DEVIL: Phone number lost in the translation. Who start TALKING about phone? You or her?

I can’t remember. Funny question, Devil.

BOND: What brought her to your blog? After long years of MIA, how you two were reconnected after the Kuching office.

I first came across this LADY in one online forum many months back. She inquired about a social club I was trying to create, giving me some hard time explaining. Next, I found her in my blog, asking about general stuff this time. That’s when she told me we knew each other. I replied, she replied, I replied, she replied. Then we exchanged emails and we continued the talking in emails.

DEVIL: Sound to me like she’s stalking you.

BOND: Not STALKING, Devil. Imagine ‘growing fond of’ or ‘liking’. Sometime when you like someone, you don’t mind tailing that person.

Even in TAILING, I hardly feel that is the case. It is not much of a job to know public information about someone these days. You see, user’s profile in the online forum also displays blog link if we offer one. I can also see blog URL in her user’s profile.

DEVIL: But you did not check her link, right?

I did. I visited her blog, too, remember?

DEVIL: Ya, but AFTER she visited you.

Where are you getting with this?

DEVIL: I guess it’s always she who checked you out first. She travelled all the way from the online forum to a blog to find you. She did this she asked that she wanted your attention. She set her eyes on you from the beginning. She’s stalking you.

BOND: Liking!

I don’t know what you hope to hit home with that, Devil. Doesn’t matter who is stalking who. She has good reason for coming to my blog. You see, she sent me a private message in the online forum but I quit the forum already by then. The blog is the only channel available.

DEVIL: Aha! She sent you a private message. That’s stalking.

BOND: Keep your opinion to yourself, Satan. A smart, careful woman won’t stoop so low as to stalk someone.

DEVIL: Your smart, careful woman dropped hints everywhere, Jebon, but this knight was too dumb to can make out the writing on the wall. She wanted him to look her way but he looked the other way. Can’t you two genius see it? She wanted his attention. She wanted him from the start.

(Silent)

BOND: What do you think, Knight? Do you feel that way?

I have great respect for her, Bond, Devil. I always get the impression she is mature in her thinking and attitude, that she is careful person but generous with opinion, thoughtful but mindful of her action. That I can say after reading the many things she wrote to me. I actually suggested we transfer our chatting from blog to email.

DEVIL: Who emails who first?

What the …

DEVIL: Who linked whose blog first? Who like who first?

BOND: What nonsense is this, Devil! Does it matter who do what to who first? Do you know how childish you sound there? It doesn’t matter, Devil, it doesn’t matter.

DEVIL: It matters to him! (*Pointing to Knight)

Why is that, and for what?

DEVIL: Now I can sing on her behalf, “I will follow him. Follow him wherever he may go….”

(*Bond turning to Knight) I cannot remember where I have met this poor devil, who sold him to me and for what little price.

DEVIL: You know what message I wanted to hit home here? This idiot here! This piece of wasted chemistry. She has been waiting for him with open arms. But you know what this man did? I don’t know which one, either he is so proud he wanted that lady to come to him or so blind to know when is his turn to move. She made all the key moves already. But this man play dumb, play hard to get huh? You expect her to do everything, huh? What man are you?

(Long silent)

BOND: Errmm… give it a thought, Knight. You probably have kept a lady waiting too long for you to know her signs. When that Ssangyong boyfriend confronted you, she saw no point sticking around. She cannot stick her neck out for someone who is not interested with her. If you had sent her a valentine card at least, she probably would stand beside you when the Ssongsang swine come charging. Think along that line, my friend.



Burning bridges

Maybe you guys are right, I was selfish, I expect her to make everything, initiate everything. She also volunteers to modify, to better that blog. Maybe you are right, she likes me more than just a friend but silly me I did not act promptly. BUT (*lifting a finger), I honestly don’t think she is all head over heels for me. I do not think she is the type of women who chase after a man; she is mature in her attitude. Maybe I did something, said something. Maybe she thinks it is cute or funny. Maybe that is all there is about she and me: Just a nice-to-know-you.

Maybe I know nothing about her, okay Devil. I can only guess her age is 29. I can only guess I know her real name. I don’t have her phone number, don’t know when is her birthday. She has the head start, she knew me much. She knew even my temper. I know very little about her, other than her English is the best I have read.

I was also drawn to her, okay Bond. She fascinates me, she fits nicely in my English ambition, she has a role to play in my English dream. But that is as far as it goes; we do not have a relationship.

DEVIL: If there’s no relationship why Ssongsang Swine crucify you?

You tell me, Devil, you tell me! (*Slamming table)

(Silent)
(Tension)

BOND: Errmm... Anyone care for another round of Martini – shaken not stirred? (*Trying to divert attention) Hey, I think I’ve seen that waitress somewhere before. Have you seen her before, Knight?

Listen, Devil, I refuse to think she is stalking me, tailing me, shadowing me…whatever they called it in your hell. I do not feel she is tailing me. Now, enough with that stalking crap. Maybe she realizes I lacked confidence. She took the initiative to thaw my reserve. That is the word, Devil, INITIATIVE, not stalking. I thank her for all those initiatives. If you think she wants me, well, to make it fair to her, I can want her just as much.

DEVIL: Now you’re talking. So you want her as much as she wants you?

If she CAN want me, I CAN want her.

If she CANNOT want you, you also CANNOT want her?

Bond, I cannot talk to this devil. You talk to him.

BOND: My pleasure. I can try but knowing devil he is a completely different planet.

DEVIL: I think that waitress is waving at you, Bond. Go talk to her.

BOND: Chicks can wait. Back to boys issue at hand – lovers or friends. Our knight here thinks a devil is wrong. I think the devil is wrong. Do you follow? You think Knight has not done well enough for the lady. I think Knight has not done enough for himself even. But we can’t blame him. Neither can I blame you for thinking that lady is waiting for him while he is stalling. But friend don’t simply marry friend, you follow? They need to convert the friendship into a relationship before they can think of kissing one another. At that point of time, as Knight has put it, they were just friends. At that point of time, in any friendship for that matter, many possibilities can happen between the boy and the girl. They could turn lovers overnight or they could hate one another after a fall out, or they can try doing both. At that point of time, neither party want to jump to a conclusion… UNTIL either party DECLARES his or her feeling to the second party.

DEVIL: Are you done here, senator?

BOND: Which in this case, Knight or the lady has not declared to either one.

DEVIL: Read the writing on the wall, Jebon, the lady has taken the INITIATIVE to declare it.

BOND: Has she? That is from your perspective, Devil. From Knight’s perspective, it’s only a friendly gesture. In other word, Knight is not thinking of her ‘romantically’ YET. (*Winks at Knight)

DEVIL: And she is kept waiting.

Until he is convinced.

How much longer he wants to torture her?

It is more torturing for her, Devil, if he had misinterpreted her quickly and proposes a marriage with her while she already has someone else. How would you like it if you were she?

Honesty, give me honesty.

I’m sure Knight here will give her the honesty when the occasion calls for it, won’t you, Knight?

Let us agree on this for once, okay fellas. It was a ‘unique’ friendship. We flirt but we do not court. We restrict our activities to blogs and emails, no phone no sex. As far as I can remember, and she can remember the same, we remain NEUTRAL to each other until the very end of our virtual friendship.

BOND: Flirt but don't court? Marvellous!

DEVIL: Whatever. And then you just quit on each other. Gone like smoke fuuuuuuh (*blowing cigarettes smoke)

Why don’t you ask who quits on who first? You love to do that.

DEVIL: The password! You gave her the blog’s password, right? She still keeps it?

After Ssongsang Swine, I changed the password four times.

BOND: Gone is the trust?

I cannot trust her swine boyfriend, can I?

DEVIL: I thought you quit your brain already. Good! Curtains down, wrap it up, boys. Circus is over for you and ‘online girlfriend’. All folks must now return to farm, knight or not knight.

BOND: (*Amused) Taking the cue… And there she disappears into the far horizon under the burning light of dawn. Looking back for a moment, she wonders if she can ever see this man again, wondering if she can ever return for another short adventure with her knight in shimmering armour. When again that moment arrives, she would probably be on her heels and quickly crash in his arms – to hell with any creature that stands in her way, swine or no swine.

(Loud cheering in the bar)




A vendetta
_______________________________________
“ If you do good to those who do good to you,
… what credit is that to you? – Luke 6:33
_______________________________________


BOND: Therefore we shall ALSO do good to those who do us wrong.

DEVIL: Incorrect! If you do wrong to those who do wrong to you, justice is done.

Do you think he has children.

Who? Ssongsang Swine? I doubt he has children. Knowing pig, that spiral twig will go round and round a long way before coming to a point. Only he knows how many times he missed.

Have you seen pig fucking pig?

BOND: How well do you know this Ssongsang fellow, Knight, if you don’t mind sharing the long story-short with us?

Not much. But he said he knew me personally and things that have gone wrong in my marriage and family, including that of my parents.

Could he be one of your relatives?

Possibly.

Could he be one of your ex-colleagues?

I have a suspect (*Pondering).
The chief editor is also a suspect; I shared many stories with him.

Could it be your ex-wife?

Possibly. But she does not phrased English that way.
Disregard the errors flowing nicely is the English cursing.

DEVIL: Could be the lady herself.

BOND: What evil is this?!

DEVIL: Think, think, think. Someone told her bad story about Knight. She broke rank with Knight. Still not happy, she changed name and attacked Knight. Suspect all possibilities here.

BOND: Disregard that, Knight. It’s completely absurd to assume someone, especially a lady, to have slandered others and disgraced her own good self by having played big hand in this pig attack, worse being the pig herself.

Women are ‘gifted’ when it comes to badmouthing others, we know that, Bond.

Girls are generous with praise as they are with insult, of course. Yet along that line, I still think you’re going out of your mind, Devil. I cannot contemplate a she-swine.

Who cares what you think. Ask Knight.

(No answer)
(Drinking continues)

BOND: Let not bother ourselves so much with uncertainties, my dear friends. Get this thing straight: Ssongsang Swine is a male, a jealous pig. The pig is mad for some reason. Something you want to tell us, Knight, beside the possibility you have slept with his woman?

How many times I have to tell you, there was no chemistry between her and me. All ‘romance’, if you like, was not as hot as you have imagined. No doubt we get a little too personal sometime, ONLINE, but that was as far as it goes. What happened in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?

(*Snorts) What happened to “Never spare the lips of a tomorrow girl if you can kiss her tonight”?

I guess because it was still daylight, Devil.

BOND: (*Laughing) Before nightfall you found a pig in your blog. That Mr Swine has good reasons to be angry, Knight. You nearly waltz away his most precious mate, if you haven’t already.

Not even once, Jebon, not that I know of.

Not in literal sense, Knight.

He cannot forgive you for TRYING.

Trying what, Devil?

Trying to lay with her.

Jesus!

DEVIL: Else he won’t be this mad. You’ve got a real mean cyber bully at your throat there, Knight. He’s coming after you, an eye for an eye, man to man. Listen, buddy, you’re my friend it’s not right for friend to leave a friend to the dogs, or pigs. You listen to me, it’s your friend talking to you now. I hated you, Knight, for TRYING to lay with someone else’s girl. Because I won’t know when you will try your luck on my girlfriend, too.

(Laughter)

If he hasn’t already.

DEVIL: Shut up, Bond. Hey, focus okay. But Knight has good excuse – he didn’t know she belongs to a swine. And we heard of his remorse already. Right, Bond? What mistake Knight did there, we can forgive him. Because he’s our friend and because girls like him. So that’s a common SIN, too common to take note.

(Laughter)

(DEVIL) But when a Ssongsang Swine, out of jealousy, wrecked havoc in the blog, saying all those shits about our friend here, going around telling everyone our friend here is a lousy son of a bitch, I hate the swine since that day. All his outburst for what? For a girl! For a girl, he comes on the Internet to fry our friend. For a girl, he cares nothing about his own ethic. For a girl, he cares nothing about showing respect. For a girl, he becomes selfish, a selfish beast. I hate that. That’s an even bigger sin you cannot miss noticing.

(Cheers)

(DEVIL) This kind of ‘sin’ can be prevented actually. All it takes is some patience and a little tolerance. He needed only do nothing. Do NOTHING the rest will follow. Everything can die down.

I hope this is not a marriage counselling (*winks at Bond).

(DEVIL) But he chose to play hard ball. He tried to fix his problem with mind clouded with rage, jealousy, ill intent. But rage will only burn a bigger fire. Look at this mess now. One pig fucking another pig, the jealous pig squeaks, “You pig fucker! I know your history you miserable hog!”

(Laughter)

No sex has taken place but I like your pig story.

Have you seen pigs fucking, Knight?

No. Have you?

No.

(Laughter)

BOND: In Knight’s case, the Mr jealous pig has succeeded as big spoiler for the amorous two, has he not? That his squeaking becomes so annoying, the other two lost interest in the mating altogether.

Have you seen pigs fucking, Bond?

Yes, Devil, I’ve seen them in their nature.

What happened when another pig tried to get in the way?

The two pigs continued with the fucking business regardless.

(Laughter)



Erroneous boyfriend

Guys, guys, that was a nice pig story but how this farm talk and ‘have-you-seen-pigs-fucking survey’ can help explain Ssongsang Swine as BIGGER SINNER. That I say if were to go with Devil’s definition of sins.


DEVIL: Close the farm, let’s talk IT. Remember that day we talked about programming problem in human computer, Bond? Ssongsang Swine is one good example.

BOND: Oh, that’s a classic! (*laughing aloud) Bring it on, Devil, bring in on.

DEVIL: Man or woman is like a big computer, Knight, from head to toe. Call it HUMAN COMPUTER. Human-computer has operating system installed in the head drive.

The what?

BOND: HEAD drive! Pay attention, Knight, here’s a good one, hilarious! Extremely educating in a sense.

DEVIL: Human-computer also has heart drive. HEART drive, Knight. The head drive collect information. The head gives instructions to our body to response. But there are two CONTROL PANELS in a human-computer. One is operated from the head drive; the other is operated in the heart drive. A human-computer must always listen to instructions from the head drive, not the heart drive. But that depends on what window is opened at that particular time. For example, when people go to church, they open Window HEAVEN. That way, they can feel God’s work in their heart not their head.

If God is applied to head drive?

(DEVIL) Human-computers must shut down head drive all the time while in the church. In a church, the head drive and heart drive cannot function at the same time. Otherwise, the head and heart would clash. The heart will say hallelujah, the head will say bullshit. When the two always clash, the body can crash. All systems getting hot, you come to a bar like this to water the hot system.

Or you can take drugs to cool effect the same ya?

(DEVIL) But drugs make all programmes in the head drive go numb. You are happy, free and stupid. But in the morning, the fight between head and heart continues. The head goes by the book; the heart does thing by influence.

All right, Devil. But how do you relate this human-computer with a Ssongsang Swine?

(DEVIL) The swine in a Ssongsang is the problem. What kind of problem? We have software problem we have hardware problem. When you broke a leg, that’s hardware problem. You contracted syphilis, that’s also hardware problem. You’ve got to fix your penis. But if you want to fix your lust or pervert desire you go to the software department. But if still cannot fix, you can either go to jail or mental hospital.

I appreciate your presentation, Devil, but please stop using ‘YOU’ in your example?

(Laughter)

(DEVIL) Ssongsang Swine’s problem is software problem. He must look up in his heart drive. The heart drive is linked to a compartment, called SYN. SYN compartment stores seven factory defects – Hate and Gluttony among them. These factory defects are system applications performing specific works such as lying and craving for money. The SYN compartment is built-in, come together with any brand new human-computer. Lucky we, the applications in SYN compartment are orphan applications. Meaning, they can be ignored. These orphan applications better be left idle.

If incite or provoke?

(DEVIL) If active, these heart drive applications can override major programmes in the head drive, quite like the effects from drugs. You don’t want to mess with orphan applications slash SYN compartment slash heart drive. But human-computer love to browse through this SYN compartment. Favourite application is Cheating-After-12.

(Laughter)
(Hand claps)

Best computer lesson I ever had in 36 years!

BOND: Continue, Devil, your metaphor is comical but makes sense.

I wonder what’s in the lady-computer.

DEVIL: Let me see. The swine problem is found in three human-computers –the knight, the lady and the pig.

Give me the lady first.

DEVIL: That lady needs to inspect her cookies and all her recent downloads.

BOND: In this case among her recent downloads is Knight-After-12.

DEVIL: Actually it’s Knight Online. Short name KO, a virus.

Why download a virus?

BOND: Allow me, Devil (*Devil nods). Orphan applications in SYN compartment only download selected virus or virus which is personalized beforehand to fit in her pre-defined format. Personalized but without actually losing the characteristics of the virus.

This KO virus. How dangerous it is?

Name says it all. But if handled with care and respect the KO virus can mutate. Agree, Devil? (Devil nods) After sometime, it becomes OK virus.

(Laughter)

So she inspected her recent downloads and found a mutated OK virus in her system application Cheating-After-12. Is that the source of the problem?

DEVIL: OK virus is not the source of problem. The nasty threat comes from another human computer, a he-computer. Without the problem from the he-computer, the she-computer won’t download the virus.

BOND: Bingo! I see where your cannons are pointing now, Devil. May I start the bombardment?

Fire at will!

(BOND) As documented in many cases related with heart drive slash SYN compartment slash Cheating, there is cause and consequence, working hand in hand, effecting much like push and pull factors. The she-computer downloads KO virus. Material question is why download. Two possibilities. One, the KO virus is seducing the she-computer. Two, the other he-computer is making life miserable for the lady that she looks for comfort elsewhere. In layman’s term, Ssongsang Swine pushes her away; Knight pulls her closer! The swine is the cause; the knight is the result of that.

On spot, Bond, right on spot!

(BOND) Thank you, Devil. Ssongsang Swine must have done something wrong to the lady that she risk flirting with a KO virus. That or the swine can’t offer much thrills to her anymore. That or he’s so short a man that she searches elsewhere to supplement the shortcoming. I don’t mean SHORT in the hardware.

(Laughter)
(Hand claps)

(BOND) We can only suspect the relationship is not stable for Ssongsang Swine and the lady. He is registered on www as Ssangyong, known on local server as Ssongsang. Of many names, he chose to pride himself in a Korean car? No wonder the lady snubs him. He’s such a boring character, a sorry arse, a pig!

(Laughter)

So the big culprit here is Ssongsang Swine.

BOND: He is without doubt. Being arrogant and all, he refuses to inspect his own heart drive. Instead, he demands a one-way communication between him and the lady. The lady must talk ONLY to him. The lady must smile ONLY to him. The lady must email ONLY him. The lady must send all emoticons ONLY to him. My gawd, what boyfriend, what dictator, what pig!

(Loud jeering)

(BOND) Little did he suspect his big head failed him. Being a stuck up, he tried to outdo a 21st Century KO virus with outdated spy ware. The attempt backfired he’s KOed in the blog ring in the full view of the lady. He gets more than what he bargained for. What battle, what mistake, what pig!

(Laughter)

(BOND) Now the lady is so traumatised by what she has witnessed, seeing a pig in his true colour finally, she quickly installed a firewall in her heart drive, just in case.

In case of what, Bond?

In case the swine do the same to her father, mother, bosses, or future husband.

(Laughter)

DEVIL: The swine is over reacting. As I said, he only needed do NOTHING. Cammon, just what is a KO virus to her. She has complete control over her downloads. Restart the computer to see the problem gone in the morning. It’s all that simple.

BOND: Or she can just tell this virus “Bye bye, luv, I’ve found another virus”.


Interesting tale, James anak Bond, but a tale is a tale.

DEVIL: A lady, a knight and a pig. It rhymes! (*Laughter)

The pig is angry. The lady is innocent. I am the virus? How quaint.

BOND: She is not really innocent, Knight, but you’re definitely a virus.

(Laughter)





The damned

Ssongsang Swine is over-reacting you said, Devil?

DEVIL: Over-reacting and going nut! He’s not helping a lady who is torn between two pigs (*Laughter). Look, he doesn’t have to get so jumpy. If he doesn’t like her writing to you, just tell her not to write to you. Or write to you, asking you not to bother her again because she belongs to him.

BOND: Belong with him. I agree with Devil. Just a short note from him, and whatever was picking momentum between the blogdrive-lady and blogspot-knight will screech to a halt. I’m sure you’re a reasonable man, Knight. Certainly you know what best for her.

He did offer peace to me in the blog.

DEVIL: That’s a gibberish. I saw that, too. Peace only has meaning before things come to boil. Damage has been done. Now it’s too late. Don’t go back on your word, you hear me, Knight?

BOND: Is there room for forgiveness, Knight?

You heard Pat Boone. I’m a fighter not a lover.

(Devil high fives Knight)

BOND: Understood. But you could have provoked him.

DEVIL: Doesn’t matter who provoke who first, Bond. War is war.

BOND: Ouch! Now you can disregard who-did-who-first?

Bond, this time I’m with the devil. Without doubt, Ssongsang drew the first blood. Continue, Devil.

DEVIL: Bond, that’s his blog, his turf. Knight has to defend himself in his place. Else, he loses face. The swine spills the beans. He cannot UNDO the hurt. Knight cannot UNDO. The lady cannot UNDO. Best if the pig limps away with tail between his legs, tug his girlfriend along. Only time can heal.

BOND: I hope time can heal the hurt for Ssongsang Swine, too.

DEVIL: What the fuck! You sympathize with the pig?

BOND: No, I PITY him. There must be good reasons why his rage is so loud. How would you feel, Devil, when you hear your girlfriend calling out Knight’s name in her sleep? Do you not want to choke her to death? Do you not want to become pig in Knight’s blog? Do you not want to research for some info on Knight and use that information to slander him in his very blog? Do you not want to harass him until he quit the blog? Do you not want to become animal? Do you not…

DEVIL: Stop! Do you have to use ‘YOU’ in that example?

(Laughter)
(Roaring laughter)

To be continued…







Romancing the blog Part II
http://knightadventure.blogspot.com/2008/11/romancing-blog.html
By Christhoper K. Knight

Happy Anniversary to a knight and a lady

Swine’s lies

BOND: What about him that you loathed more than anything else, Knight?

I guess it is his bullshit. He said, “I’m a wealthy man with monies and lots of monies and cars and all the girls like me”. He said my not being as rich as he is made me a failure. He crows about his UNDISCLOSED fortune over and over again. Jesus! I almost can believe him.

BOND: You can’t prove he is otherwise, can you?

It is easy to know he is lying, Bond, when he also said I know him personally. People I knew personally do not have the excess he made out. Further remarks from him gave the impression we probably worked for the same company in Kuching five years ago. SO, unless he is the Managing Director of the newspaper he does not have much money.

DEVIL: Maybe HE IS the MD of the company.

You mean old man Datuk Sng Chee Hua and that lady is his personal assistant Laura Hartini? That Laura is a pretty and sexy lass I do not mind taking the bullet for her (*Sniggers).

BOND: Or the new CEO, Larry Sng?

And Jessie Soon, too? That’s another beauty who worth the trouble. BUT, I don’t think the SNGs have anything to do with our swine.

Try Lester Melanyie (*Guffaws)

BOND: Any guys you can remember who can brag he’s a wealthy brat? For example, someone who drives more than just one car to work.

As far as I can remember, Bond, men during my time there lived moderately no richer than I was. I drove a Proton Saga and a Toyota Celica sport to work while some guys come to work by bike, or driving their father’s car. If Ssongsang Swine is someone he claimed he is, impossible I didn’t recognise him then. Someone with cars and tonnes of monies, and all the girls root for him? He’s got to be dreaming.

DEVIL: So, you’re the hunk in the company then huh?

I really don’t want to brag, Devil, believe me I really don’t. But as to raise doubt over Ssongsang Swine’s claim I must say the girls talked about me, not other guys, not him, even the lady admitted that in her email. I hate to brag this way.

DEVIL: You know what he’s trying to do? He’s playing a psychology with you. He’s making himself sound like the greatest so you can feel like the scumbag of the universe. Nice try, Swine.

BOND: Better luck next time, swine. The onus is now on the pig to prove he can walk the talk, at least walking on two (*Chuckles). What we make of him until he can prove himself, Devil?

A snorting pig who wishes a lot!

Classic!






Signing off with a bang

DEVIL: This lady, smart and careful says Bond, can fall for a snorting pig who wishes a lot?

BOND: That’s probably why she flirts with the KO virus, Devil, because she could not bear the snorting much longer.

Hey, bro, it’s just some shit on the Internet, okay, don’t take so much heat from it.

I am okay with the shit, Devil. But not when he dragged my family matter into the, if you like, ‘love triangle’. I even pleaded with him to restrict his bashing to things personal between him and me, and that we can restrict our quarrel in a post, spare other posts in the blog. But as you can see how it goes in the blog, he shoots everywhere.

You actually pleaded with him?

I was trying to tell him, Bond, we can fight all right but we must have a proper ring for the duel. How I wished he would stop playing up the family affair, my divorce with my wife, especially about my kid. I guess nothing make sense to him.

Do you have a suspect?

Yes I do.

LO! You cannot ID the lady but you can ID the swine? How ironic.

I do know who that lady is, Bond. The fun is actually mine to keep her thinking I don’t know her. I got her identity right from the beginning, even before I received her first email.

Ugly?

She is ALMOST pretty, Devil, but she is no way ugly, considerably tall for a girl. Of the he-swine, he does not even own a car!

(*Laughing) So what’s his name?

Can I keep the information privy?

You don’t want to do that. He’s pissing in his pants right now!

Well, let him continue pissing in his pants, Devil. He knew how bad he has been to me. He knew it would come back to him some day. I’m taking my sweet time here, before I turn the table on him.

Another psychology at play here, I suppose. You have no suspect, Knight, but you make it sounds like you do. As you put it, I ALMOST CAN BELIEVE YOU.

Of course I do, Bond. Believe me I do have a suspect. I have his name, emails and telephone number. Take it in good faith, I do. You, Devil, take it as a Gospel Truth (*Laughter).

How did he learn about your divorce?

He’s a friend to the chief editor with whom I shared my marriage problem. The chief editor must have leaked that story to him. You see, when I said ‘share’ it’s not like I confided in him about my personal stuff. I wrote an article about my life following the divorce. I emailed it to the chief editor, asking for his favour to rectify grammatical errors in the English writing. The story never gets back to me.

What you gonna do when later you meet him?

Nothing. The chief editor will go down in my bibliography as someone who did not help me with my English.

I mean SSONGSANG SWINE.

Oh, HIM! Nothing, I will do nothing to him. Him knowing I know what he has done to me is enough the anxiety for him. Knowing me, he will have to look over his shoulder for the rest of his life. That is enough the punishment for him. We have a little secret kuchi, kuchi, kuchi… He had better pray I do not go to his wedding.

(Laughter).

DEVIL: Nah, that’s not enough. I tell you what, Knight. You continue pursuing your goal in life, don’t get distracted by him. Hey, here’s your friend talking to you. You leave that swine to me okay. I’ll take care of him. Call it ‘outsourcing’, you OUTSOURCE the dirty job to me. You writers do what writers do; we gangsters do the gung-ho gangland maintenance.

BOND: Easier said than done. He can swear over his grandmother’s grave he is not the swine you’re after. By now, he is on high alert. You can expect to hear many good excuses, even a strong alibi, from him. How can you be sure you are not going to slaughter the wrong pig?

DEVIL: Leave it to a devil.

How?!

Give me his email, Knight. You said you’re going to blog our dialogue tonight, right? I’ll send this article to him. Not to harm him, only to let him know we know what he knows. Yes, I want him to be on HIGH ALERT all the time, Bond. Maybe next week, next month, next year I’ll get someone to pay him a visit. This someone will mingle with his crowd. Now picture this scenario. During a coffee or something, that someone utters SSONGSANG SWINE! out of a sudden. If the swine SQUEAK or flinch for no particular reason, what that tells you, Bond?

BOND: That can tell guilt. Continue…

DEVIL: What I’ll do next is none of your business.

I certainly have underestimated you. Good, don’t tell anyone about it. You know what Michael Corleone told his nephew, Vincent, in movie ‘The Godfather’? He said, “Don’t let others know what you’re thinking.” You do what you have to do. I’ll visit you after you bury him.

Who says I will bury him? I don’t know Ssongsang Swine. This conversation never takes place, you hear me?

BOND and KNIGHT: What conversation?

(Laughter)





To be continued…
(Next episode CRIMINAL MIND)






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